Genius...
Rough day! Most of the time I live in peace. Lately I have envisioned searing off this unintended devils head tattoo ring located on my wedding ring finger. I woke up this morning feeling very… alone. I think this crept up on me. My first thought of the day was…I am as lonely as I was before and that f***ing sux. This struck me so sadly.
Seven o’clock is early for me. I was cranky and disheveled thinking, should I even get dressed for school? I gave Eddie some cereal, which he threw all over the floor convinced there was a spider in it, when I know that he just has the case of Halloween spookies. Then through a cloud of shirts pants homework papers, spilled tea, and grumpy, I managed to get everything on time just to wait and wait …and wait for the dad to pick up the son so that the mom can get to school. I hate walking into class late….so embarrassing.
Later at school I saw this boy that I know a little better than I want to, standing in his normal place to casually and passively, run into me. This person is the epitome of stay the fuck away…for a girl like me, and I have experienced about 5% of his dysfunction, let’s say. I passed smiled and said hi, thinking to myself, thank god I didn’t get wrapped in that bullshit (dodge) This person had shown me defiantly what I don’t want. Doom…truly doom.
Sitting in history planning the rest of my day I hear Mr. Funk say, ok its time to turn in reaction papers ! I scramble to see the syllabus and slowly come to understand that I have mixed two different due date, from entirely different classes…a week apart. Wtf ! my friend Amanda looks at me and sympathetically picks a corn flak from my hair….classic.
I decide to skip science today. There is a boozie kid that sits behind me in that class, who happens to have known my x longer than I have, and I do not have the patience to endure his daily stench, my stomach already in knots. I go home throw in the laundry and open my reaction paper to finish. Then begun the nightly routine of food, bathing, homework, bed time, and more homework.
Later I pulled the laundry out, in an end of night fog, absently folding and folding and folding. As I start to put the cloths away…I realize that Ed, is trying to sneak in his dirty laundry….AND I JUST FOLDED SOME OF IT!! Irritated with whatever bizarre irrational reasoning could be behind such bullshit, I irrationally threw a pile of shirts onto the floor, stomping them with self-amusing angst.
After this hissy fit, I pick up the pile. I gripped one of his white cotton undershirts that I had just stomped into the floor… almost to smell it, catching myself and feeling the material between my fingers, having one of those reasonably new single person gazes into nothingness moments….. I was thinking of the time, not relatively long ago, when I was heart sick and going mad out of loneliness and despair of being the only for myself and son, who was almost three by then, while trying to make good grades in school and keep up with a full house of people who didn’t give a crap. One of those nights, I drank, more than enough and I decided to burn all of my bras in the small fire pit in the back yard, which was indeed highly liberating. I went braless all summer and up until school when I thought it would be the proper thing to get a new under wardrobe. Something about the memory made me snap out of it, and take a breath in, that euphoric air of his physical absents.

I have myself every time.

let it go!

I was at one point so in love with him,
Now i recoil and shutter at his touch.
My stubborn self has passed the thresh hold of return i think,
I feel better than ever being free of it.

i don't love him like that anymore,
i don't hate him,
I'm not indifferent,
I am at peace.

it is sad to let go of these deep wants,
but i didn't let them go just because of him.
i let the go because they were my captor all along.

i realize now that there are things in life that are bad, but just as good.
i wont ever be so blindly in love again, which is sad BUT
i think now i know what i want and don't want
and my eyes are open.

my only guilt as it usually is for women is the fact
that i told the little boy inside of him, that i will always be there to sooth.
what i didn't realize is that is not my job. he wants it that way
and what a job to take on as a partner.

the thing that floors me is that i don't miss the sick at all.
now that i know what it is. I do miss the innocents
but i think some thing new is growing in the place of its absents.

i feel bits of myself resurfacing
parts of me i haven't felt in so long.
Now i have to learn how to live with my free spirit and still protect myself.

I'm not in life prison anymore! new motivation
i feel like now i can let other things in to inspire me.

all the great cliches of the wise accepted.

Passing like ships in the night
Arrival on the horizon
Departure to the sea
Slipping away and forging forward
Souls are pure
The chopping of the swallows are so unkind
I'm sadly a new
The death of a life is occurring within me
I cant find a way to stop it, I don’t want to again
Once again trying to find my way through the storm
To hold my head above water
I'm not a fish confined by the water, but a soaring creature
Passionate and dramatic
I trust the me of my mind
I don’t the stubborn, it’s too content in me
I can’t find a way to swim, or slow my sails
The connection is severed
I would have to wait again. I don’t want to wait.
Disappoint this idea.
The truth is sickening to me
My heart is sick, it wants to move on now
Fallow the heart? What does it mean?
To find proper council would be difficult
The feeling in the air that stifles me is cold reality
I was in love with an idea
My brain is operating so slowly
the hurt is so deep
theres a void in the center of the anxiety
a grey spot that feels numb
the convincing is driving me mad
how do you convince after you've already, and cauterized.

near submission

Maybe I'm just a free bird
to fly on my own
love can be had
and so can a home

I'm hurting
I'm liberated
I'm out of fight
I see sedation

he pissed me off
to the core
and he keeps looking
for more

i don't want to trust
i just want to be
I'm confused
but i want to start healing

i want to be promiscuous
with my mind
i want to be silly
and crazy

i see the trees now
i can smell the breeze
i want to dance by the fire
and in the sand by the sea.

i want to clean my spirit
brush the ol' girl off
I want these things
so bad i can taste it

and he responds now

.... but now I'm tired

Spiritual Whore: Part Two

i was reviewing what i have written since its been a while and...something eerie happened with this ...

So about 6 months ago, the bible thumpers called me back on the celebration of Sabbath(which is annual for this church) I was rude. I told Annie, the church girl, "No Thank you!" Abruptly to everything she said. "Really!! No thank you," i said. Annie told me once again that the devil has me and that i need to come to god. I hung up on the church girl.

I was shaken up a little, being that i just got over the whole entrancement i had over the 2012 Apocalypse. I sat on my couch, and in my own way i prayed...in my own way....

i wont say my actual prayer because it is mine, but i was thinking something like... why does this bother me? please , i need reassurance. over and over.

and then, i turned on the TV. and the Crucible was on. I joined the movie just as the outburst from Abigail takes place when she sees the devil in the rafters of the court room. I watched the rest of the movie and the whole time...

...See Jaimie, people are crazy, but i think you will be OK.