rolling around the brain..

this blog was kind of meant to be private, being that i don't use my actual name and only people i know who have read it are very close to my life. i initially was intending to release my poetic self and maybe grow with it but i cant for some reason, i think school has stifled my vocabulary. i love words. when i was about nine years old i started studying the dictionary, because i was tired of not understanding what older people were talking about, it became a hobby that i dropped around 15. but anyway with this blog i just started to journal random things from my head.

last night i went through my blog, just looking over what kind of substance was actually there if any. i realized this morning that i often talk (and think)about love, passion, and sex...

being that my son and school is my life, i needed an adult outlet, and still do. So i get to talk about what i want to talk about with out any boundaries.

so this year i was inspired to think about identity, who are we, what are we ...and i will begin from a few sentences i found in my journal:

what else are we but physical beings? bodies. Masses of flesh that reflect happenings. are body mind and soul separate? i don't think so.

things that must be done take precedent over our desires in life in order to live survive, strive. Nothing about that is new...so we are left with three meals a day, a physical pleasure that we all do (generally) and if we are lucky we use this time to celebrate and reflect on our woes or delights of the passing days.

love and passion are pleasures of the mind. But sexual expression is who we are. its fundamental. its what we are. and its raw.

i often wish that people could just be honest with the physical part of them.
to love. to express. in what ever way might release them from the fears of what and who they are. i think we know as a body of intellectual people why.

Sex is nature. We procreate, this is what we do. a great deal of the populations lives are lead by children. having babies, nurturing them, teaching them, and keeping them safe until adult-hood, like most other animals.... By now we are advanced procreators.

Sexuality is nature as well, but it is also individualizing. Sexuality has been encouraged and forbidden through out the history of being. For instants the Greeks generally were open about all types of sexuality, so much that bisexuality was quite common and hardly talked about as a bad thing. Christianity had and has a huge sway on its member's individuality. Christianity has been a monster of suppression and defacement of the human body, among other religions.




I just recently realized that i was only 4 years short of being born in the seventies. I love when i was born, the comfort level was strangely high as i remember it. Just 10 years before my birth my parents were enjoying the settle down progression period from the rush of the sixties. Its hard to describe the atmosphere but it was different than today. The colors such as that burnt orange, off white, dark brown, pale yellow combination was earthly soothing as a child. My parents were comfortable with themselves and starting a family when they wanted to.

my parents were brought up in Philly catholic schools, and very much lived in the time of the sexual suppression and revolution. My parents have stories about what it was like for them each individually with their parents, and though my grandparents views differed, my parents turned out the same. my point is that openness is residual by generation. each immediate generation carries with them (in an instinctual like way) the previous generations values naturally.



then i realized that it was only 30-40 and 50 years ago when things like birth control were illegal, and it was illegal for black and white people to be married, or go to the same schools. Gay people were arrested if seen participating in sexual acts or were caught living together or even if some one knew the individual was a pronounce homosexual. Women were not able to vote for the future of America and women are still battling to lead Americans with out sex discrimination.

SEX DISCRIMINATION ~ (in my opinion people should really think about those words)

the pattern seems to be that when people are insecure as a whole (because of the masses producing poorly or whatever the case may be) individuality goes out the window. Survival takes hold, sexuality is then immediately abused, criticized, torn down, thus freedom to the human given right: individuality is weakened. Women some times are put in the position to fight with women and men to survive.

an attack on some ones sexuality is by another sexual being.

we have not been stable for very long, and though it seems that we could never back track, we could. i wonder what will happen

what i do know is that individuality is intimidating because when no one has any new bright ideas in a time of desperation, the individual thinkers are the ones that lead. good or bad.

ME

i am some one who....

believes that if you cant prove something isn't,
you have no right saying so..... if this means that i believe in aliens....so be it.

loves people. shortcomings can be learned from.

loved the eighties and nineties...maybe not the leg warmers, head bands or the neon colors, but for some reason i feel really luck to have been born to experience such a mellow time.

is some what rebellious. Ive never been a do what your supposed to when your supposed to kind of person. for example i didn't graduate high school until i was 22 (adult education high school), and you know...being that now Ive just finished my first year of collage, i have to appreciate my educational experience probably more than the the kid siting across from me who looks stoned, unmoved, unappreciative, and is tardy. i have a lot of passion for learning, even as an undergraduate because not everyone gets a chance to do so.

loves to write but cant spell despite my many attempts, i spell check everything....damn computers!

thinks farts are hilarious, sorry cant help it however immature.... its the truth.

i love...

myself

being a mom

being a free spirit

the smell of roses

sex...
my fetish is anticipation
among many others

to read
and write

the earth(we do live here and all)

honesty. is spicy, cant get enough

i like red wine but whisky i luv
a nice cold beer is good here and there
...not too much of a drinker trust me

music and art

intimacy, love (my name is supposed to mean love in french, though my ma was a little off, the meaning came through)

i like dark people oddly enough, sick humor is something i love, but it hardly comes out of me.

i don't like....

men and women who are afraid of women like me. you never know what you can learn about yourself if you give other people a chance to express themselves. its a real purty cycle if you just try it...

bible thumpers

um.... there is not much that i don't like about life but sardines, vomit, and buggers are a few....

my motto.... i suppose if there was one it would be "RIDE HARD!!!" IN EVERY WAY!!(live life to its fullest and explore the unknown:)

Spiritual Whore

Semester is over! yeah. now I'm sitting at home in some what of a fog after the rush of the last few weeks. i feel stupefied actually. Anyway
- Last week was pretty much finals week, i had a small presentation for my English class that went some what awkward ....(I thought about my English Professor in ways that maybe i shouldn't.... i am a notty girl;)) but i think it went maybe a little better than average. So i was walking down the hall toward my next class, comfortably reflecting on the year in my own world as i often do, and out of the blue a nice girl says, do you have a min? Thinking she was going to ask me directions or something i stopped and said "Sure Whats up" the next thing i know she whips out her Bible and starts thumping away.

Religion scares me. I wonder how often the average person gets run down by the offers of eternal salvation or the doomie doom of destruction....

i am a very spiritual person, but not through the guidelines of a church. I was baptised three years ago in order to be married to my husband and his family traditions. we had been living sinfully for five years already;) My sister and i were brought up by a free spirited sunflower loven hippy child and i remember the ceremonies of the baptism with sickness. I say this because my sister and i don't believe in these things and here we are half way mocking others beliefs by participating. But its what they wanted, i promised myself i would never go all the way with Christianity again. it rubbed my id in the wrong way....

so there i was reflecting... and the girl whips out her bible, i swear like it was a gun out of a holster in a western movie(i seriously heard "wa wa waaa" in my head), and starts bargaining my salvation. I decide to be polite and sit down seeing as i only have 15 min until class, by then i was wishing i stuck around Mr. Coopers class for a while longer... So we start talking I'm asking questions... i hate when i allow myself to talk about religion... when her associate sits down next to me. Adam says, do you know that the world is going to end in 2012? don't you want to go to heaven? let us study... I'm anxious to go to class now, and then i find that class is dismissed! damn it! damn it all to hell! Adam says, "it was meant to be, it was. "

so then after a while of continuous perspective ...I went to the god damn church! i don't know what got into me. i walk in the church and immediately people start coming up to me and shaking my hand saying "welcome sister, welcome sister". Being a bit reserved anyway,i don't know... it was bizarre. i was taken to a bible study office left with a glass of water and a bible maybe to be pondered. About 5 min roll by and just as i was thinking of escape tactics, Adam and his associate Annie come in fallowed by the guy who baptizes. AAH! So they kept trying to baptize me. i watched one being done, chick had to ware a white robe, there was water and i saw boobs. I'm all for nudity, but i guess not in church. i dont think she was aware that about 25 onlookers were looking at.thats not fair. i couldn't help but let some nervous laughter escape me here and there. When i left i hightailed it out of there literally, then in my car i clutched the steering wheel thoughts of mortality circling my mind.

the next morning i felt funky. a few mornings after i woke up from a night mare. Adam was chasing me and my son with a ladle of endlessly flowing water. as the water hit the ground it would sizzle and brake the concrete. Adam called me later that day(in reality). He wanted to know if i wanted to study, i said no. omitting the dream i explained to him how i felt , and he said it was the devil trying to get me. the devil.

I have to say, they were not bad people at all, it was just not my dig, yo. for people who believe in the bible they seem to be the newest thing out of 843 denominations of Christianity out there. i find it thoroughly interesting however that these things actually bug me. i have been spiritually sound (thank you very much) since i was fourteen years old.

2012- apocalyptic talk kinda gets to me. Like I'm gonna be really uncomfortable that year, you know? ! The Church of God :World Mission Society believes that year we will be taken by fire...

Malachi 4:1-3 " ' Surly the day is coming; it will burn like a furnace. All the arrogant and every evildoer will be stubble, and that day that is coming will set them on fire,' says the LORD Almighty. "Not a root or a branch will be left to them. But for you who revere my name, the sun of righteousness will rise with healing in its wings. And you will go out and leap like calves released from the stall. Then you will trample down the wicked; they will be ashes under the soles of your feet on the day when i do these things,' says the LORD Almighty."

woe woe woe......

you know what I'm thinken?

Do the riotous get crispy first as well as the evil? When the calves begin the trampling, is it going to be over the partners they shared life with (brothers sisters mothers fathers)who had not been baptized?am i wicked because i cant manage to feel it that way and will i be trampled? what happens to the faith and spiritual health of the people of the church if we make it past 2012? ....and most important of all...when the calves leap from the stall do they get to fuck? i hope they get to fuck, because living forever and no fucking, doesn't sound good to me.

well better a fleshy whore than a spiritual one.....