Genius...
Rough day! Most of the time I live in peace. Lately I have envisioned searing off this unintended devils head tattoo ring located on my wedding ring finger. I woke up this morning feeling very… alone. I think this crept up on me. My first thought of the day was…I am as lonely as I was before and that f***ing sux. This struck me so sadly.
Seven o’clock is early for me. I was cranky and disheveled thinking, should I even get dressed for school? I gave Eddie some cereal, which he threw all over the floor convinced there was a spider in it, when I know that he just has the case of Halloween spookies. Then through a cloud of shirts pants homework papers, spilled tea, and grumpy, I managed to get everything on time just to wait and wait …and wait for the dad to pick up the son so that the mom can get to school. I hate walking into class late….so embarrassing.
Later at school I saw this boy that I know a little better than I want to, standing in his normal place to casually and passively, run into me. This person is the epitome of stay the fuck away…for a girl like me, and I have experienced about 5% of his dysfunction, let’s say. I passed smiled and said hi, thinking to myself, thank god I didn’t get wrapped in that bullshit (dodge) This person had shown me defiantly what I don’t want. Doom…truly doom.
Sitting in history planning the rest of my day I hear Mr. Funk say, ok its time to turn in reaction papers ! I scramble to see the syllabus and slowly come to understand that I have mixed two different due date, from entirely different classes…a week apart. Wtf ! my friend Amanda looks at me and sympathetically picks a corn flak from my hair….classic.
I decide to skip science today. There is a boozie kid that sits behind me in that class, who happens to have known my x longer than I have, and I do not have the patience to endure his daily stench, my stomach already in knots. I go home throw in the laundry and open my reaction paper to finish. Then begun the nightly routine of food, bathing, homework, bed time, and more homework.
Later I pulled the laundry out, in an end of night fog, absently folding and folding and folding. As I start to put the cloths away…I realize that Ed, is trying to sneak in his dirty laundry….AND I JUST FOLDED SOME OF IT!! Irritated with whatever bizarre irrational reasoning could be behind such bullshit, I irrationally threw a pile of shirts onto the floor, stomping them with self-amusing angst.
After this hissy fit, I pick up the pile. I gripped one of his white cotton undershirts that I had just stomped into the floor… almost to smell it, catching myself and feeling the material between my fingers, having one of those reasonably new single person gazes into nothingness moments….. I was thinking of the time, not relatively long ago, when I was heart sick and going mad out of loneliness and despair of being the only for myself and son, who was almost three by then, while trying to make good grades in school and keep up with a full house of people who didn’t give a crap. One of those nights, I drank, more than enough and I decided to burn all of my bras in the small fire pit in the back yard, which was indeed highly liberating. I went braless all summer and up until school when I thought it would be the proper thing to get a new under wardrobe. Something about the memory made me snap out of it, and take a breath in, that euphoric air of his physical absents.

I have myself every time.